The theme of my head today seems to be death...

--Willow tree, hollow, sorrow, I forgot what else,,pillow!! chill, ill,,frozen emotion,,took me 40mins to get out of this incapacitation, and I'm not decapitating anything or anyone.

I have no idea where this is coming from, I was also thinking about autopsy table, cold steel and bloooood, blood soaked into my imaginary fabric in my brain, maybe this crappy weather's affecting me...

I just found this free paper on the floor and on the back, it was an ad for cremation! And on the cover, it has a pic of paintings, one like The scream by Munch, it's just creepy as ****, I'm not enjoying this weird connections at all.

You won't find beauty without good emotions, and the opposite end of the emotion doesn't seem like sadness to me, it's just the void there, I may be right about all this though, I believe that there's nothing after death, when I came back home last night, I saw this dead cicada right out side of my door. If it were alive, I'd be ecstatic to see it and I'da talked to it, just like I was doing to this new tiny spidy on my balcony. And I also have this idea of feeling nothing of my parents death, brother's, I don't even care if I find it out or not. My own death, I'd love to go out as John Doe, just withering away, rotten or stinky or whatever, when my soul's done, that's it, finito.

I guess I just have to practice more, read/hear more about what others think of their mortality, I'm sure I can find something interesting in suicidal thread somewhere on this forum too. Spiritual people must have totally different view on this though..For me, as of now, I just have to try to be indifferent, and get out the funk as soon as possible.

The scenery changes whether I like it or not, I stopped listening to bad music, I was just doing the last load of laundry, I just don't know what the hell happened. It has something to do with my brain speed though, I've sorta figured out the pattern, I know when to watch out for, I didn't spin out badly, have no idiotic ideas for the rest of the day.

I wanna finish this with what got me out of it, whatever it was, I didn't feel good all of the sudden and I was trying to take a nap, but my brain was just connecting words, thoughts with this dark undertone. I was wearing the same perfume as last week, it was fading pretty bad but the faint scent was the key, I may have been wanting to get a little bit of shock from anything to get out, like a bloody color red, with this cloudy/rainy weather outside, everything looks crappy, and I don't decorate my own room well, it almost has no color, and my favorite color for my outfit now is grey. Neutral is kinda my thing.

Putting aside my own demise and my collection of violent music on my Kindle, I was seeing lots of death this morning, the KFC chicken hanging up side down on the slaughter line, they kill them through water with electric shock, am I correct? On a small farm, they chop its head and hang it to drain the blood. Morning hog slaughter, is this because of stress hormon, cortisol was it? I'm not vegan, I can afford that life style. I just know what I know, I can't escape from it.

Something I liked, the whiff of perfume smell nudged me, even without a word in my head, I knew it was something positive in that weird sea of grey, it helped me to get out of being stuck there.

I don't plan to dig it any further, I still have things to do, I just wonder if it was a depressed mind that may or may not come back, is other person's depression proportional to their past trauma? How about my past then? Am I supposed to do any more than I had to deal with, again at some point in the future? Moving on and letting go, idk, I just have to remember the past rears it's ugly head, make connections that I'd rather not make, but they won't be tripping me this time around.

Free mind is a healthy mind,,,,,,,,,,,My mind is rich! in something... and I need NO BUDGET!!

ETA: Lying on the floor thinking,,,I may have been in this place long before my dx, kinda scary thought. I just don't get it, why my mind bring me up and down so much, my physical health is sort of a okay, only this brain feels like it's ladened, weighed down with this incomprehensible ball/mass of thoughts, it's raining outside but I'll try candle lit therapy again. I have to tell myself it is okay to curl up in a ball in my bed, only if that help ease mind though...