My Support Forums - View Single Post - Finding You've Had Asperger's In "Old Age"

daynrand · Aug 31, 2015, 10:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StbGuy

I've also stopped chasing after "normal" goals if I can put it that way. I am not normal, so normal probably won't make me happy anyway. It's a tough decision to make when you are young because of the pressure to fit in and the ever-present worry of youth "slipping away" like it's some kind of commodity. But, when I look at it, I didn't have a youth anyway, not a normal one at least, lost it when I was about 5 already, so I just need to define life the way it works for me, because that's all that'll work in the end for me anyway.

You're right on there, StbGuy. I used to fret about time & youth "slipping away", too, like "oh, dear, oh dear, so much to do & I'm still spinning my wheels & pretty soon I'll be 30 & it'll be almost too late," or some-such nonsense & so it went on through life. I feel like in the past decade, after a series of absurd & catastrophic events took place to steal time away, I'm now sort of free from that. I don't think about it so much any longer. I know that you can plan all you want, but you never know what might happen to blow those plans apart, or you can plan and who knows? Your plans might end up coming together or even being far better than you'd expected. I'm not "optimistic" so much as "realistic". The plans for school (with even a Ph.D. at the end in mind) can be made, but I won't be utterly devastated if something else ends up happening, either. It's the old "go with the flow" theory, I reckon. It took until age 60 for the whirlwinds in my mind to settle down enough to make some sense of, and so be it. Maybe that's just the amount of time that was needed in my case? I'm grateful for lots of things. I'm strong & healthy. I really do feel about as well as I did in my 30's. I don't look 60, for whatever that's worth. (Maybe I won't stick out so terribly in classes with teens & 20-somethings?) (But, come to think of it, I do not care if I do!)

OT: Guess what I did yesterday? Tried to bleach my hair white. I want it to look like my dear grandmother's hair, which was beautifully, snowy white. My natural color is a golden, light brown, but of course has a good deal of gray in it now. I decided I wanted white hair like my Nana's. Sigh. It turned very light blonde instead. I think I can put the bleach on again in a week to see if it'll take more color out. But I'll probably have to settle for platinum blonde. That's OK for now, I reckon. I think I do look a lot younger with light hair, for what that's worth, ha ha. (who am I kidding? It's worth a lot.)