I just had a friend I have known for many years (about 18) visit me for her birthday. I took her out to dinner at a local restaurant. She was just supposed to stay for one day, but clearly was not ready to leave so I extended her stay.

I really did not mind extending her stay for a day or two, I thought. But as time went on I changed my mind. Although I have know her for many years, our contacts have been brief. We have had mostly telephone contact over the years because of the distance. The recent visit showed me how little I know her.

Over the course of her visit, she acted selfish, knowing I am not working, being miserly, not respecting my boundaries and taking advantage of my kindness. It seems like she is in a needy place and wants to grab hold of me, when I am trying to detach from such situations. I need to learn to take care of myself for a change.

I felt very uncomfortable for most of the visit. I do not know if she changed or I changed. She made me feel during the visit like I was responsible for her, which I hate. It is one of my issues, being raised by my mom to be her caretaker. As a result, I am naturally a nurturer and sometimes people gravitate towards me for that reason.

I wrote her a nice letter explaining right now I need space because I need to reevaluate things. I let her know I appreciated our friendship through the years as well. Her response to my need for space was to call and call. I did not respond because I do not know how to confront her without hurting her feelings.

I am having detachment issues. Over the last year or so I have been detaching from people that felt unsafe. And fortunately for me, subsequently, I have made new friends that feel safer. They give me personal space, are supportive yet not intrusive. They are not perfect, but neither am I.

This old friends represents to me contacts I made when I was not safe or healthy myself. We have talked much about recovery, but I suspect she talks the talk but does not walk the walk. I felt during our last visit she was testing my boundaries and planing to use me. I feel angry and dissappointed.

How do you tell someone you thought you knew them but now that you know them you do not want to know them?

GraceD