I was, for some reason (perhaps a mixed sleeping schedule, or impending anxiety about the new school year) motivated to make amends to two people that I treated terribly during my unmedicated phases. During undergraduate, I had a friend who was also Bipolar and had some PD features. Her and I had on/off feelings for each other and prior to DBT and medication I would take everything personally. She was going through stuff too, but I took it personally that she wasn't there for me when I was at my lowest and I ended my friendship with her in a very spiteful way. I have a tendency to make apparent all of a person's weaknesses and throw it back at them and it's very traumatizing.

I also was in a brief relationship with another person back in college that I treated terribly. I was immature and unmedicated then. So I sent e-mails making amends to both of them. The former accepted my apology and reiterated that she still cared for me and didn't know how she hurt me so much. I told her it was more about me as a person than what she may have done. The latter person didn't even bother responding.

There's serenity to making amends but it also makes you truly realize what a POS you were and it makes me afraid of whether or not I will ever change. I still have moments, though it's not like before. I usually put up with a lot of crap from people now and being afraid to speak up and draw lines, I eventually blow up on them for their behavior and tell them off in a very earth-shattering and hurtful way, often reopening all their wounds in the process. And a lot of it is my fault because I don't talk about it early on to people who's behavior bothers me. They assume I'm alright with it.

Gosh. Anyone else know what I'm talking about?