i've been thinking...
about how my therapist keeps talking about how we are together for a limited time. he said something once that suggested that he thought that i would figure out working with someone else once we finish up together. and i have been thinking about how long... and how expensive... this is going to be.

i function better when i have a good therapy relationship. that isn't unusual, i guess. the majority of people do function better when they have good relationships. people who make them feel cared about etc. someone who they can talk to about what is going on for them. the difficulty with me is that i simply can't get that (in the depth that is needed) outside therapy. because... my need is too great. if i try and get that outside therapy i end up with either someone taking a real parent role with me (which isn't so healthy really) or i end up with someone who is similar to me and we end up clinging to each other (which isn't so healthy really). so... no can do in the real world.

there is a panic / fear though. people leave and there is noone to replace the role they played in my life. and then... i really do start to lose it. psychotic break kind of losing it. just want to be dead kind of losing it. feel like i'm being ripped apart / exploding into fifty million pieces. will it get better over time? i guess it will. i guess it will. but i'm scared to let people in because i'm scared that the more i let them in the more i really won't be able to get through their leaving and come out (relatively unscathed) at the other end.

some people spend a fortune on therapy. i know some professional people who spend most of their salary on their therapist. they are pleased with their therapists, that is true. they are doing some great work, that is true. they have husbands to support them and their family financially, however.

is that... the best i can hope for? for therapy to help me open up such that i might actually be able to marry someone one day? marry someone who will financially support me so that i can do therapy so that i can do work so that i can fund therapy etc etc etc. there are people who are happy with that arrangement. is that what i really want?

i've figured that i don't really want to be an analyst. i think that what that was about was the idea of my being in analysis and... being able to reciprocate in some way. not seeing my analyst for analysis but some kind of loop... where i take someone on and someone takes me on... i don't know what to say. is this the best i can hope for?

therapy takes up considerable amounts of time and energy. after therapy i find it impossible to work where working is reading and writing. if i have seminars or something like that then i can get to those and power through. good distraction. but to put therapy away enough to self direct work? no can do. maybe... i'll get better at that with time, though. i find therapy exhausting. just want to take it easy for the rest of the day. traumatic ruminations / flashbacks too. i guess that gets easier over time. i guess i'm just thinking that there might come a point where i don't have the time / energy for therapy anymore. i don't know. when i don't have therapy... i rail. i surely surely do.

can't win.

something to think about... something to keep thinking about... something that i need right now. but for how long? i'll see, i guess. lets get the thesis done already....

before i had a couple weeks break (i had conference then t took a week for school holidays) my t was asking me a bit about what i wanted to work on and stuff. he kind of set the issue up as a dilemma, however. either we could work on the voices (which i didn't want to do because i don't want to switch and i dont' want to conceptualise things in that way) or we could do trauma work. i think i was meant to pick the first option but instead i picked the second. but the fact is... i'm not really stable enough to do that. my functioning is too fragile. so... what else can we do. i guess that is where the conversation picked up on my return.

he said something about how trauma work probably wasn't something that we could address at present because of how my functioning is important and because how one of my goals is to improve my functioning. i need it to get better than it is at present and i really can't risk it getting any worse at all. i said something about how i didn't know if i ever would be in the place where my functioning could afford to take a dive. i didn't know if i ever would be in the place where i could do trauma work.

so i think that is it. that is where we are at. basically... i'm not well enough to do exploratory therapy. i need supportive therapy. that makes me feel mad, however, because theoretically i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to do exploratory therapy. the fact is... i'm too fragile, however. and... that is likely to be my life, i guess. i don't know that i'll ever really be in the position to do exploratory therapy. i remember reading somewhere (Colin Ross, I think) about how he does a bit of a probe to find out whether there are parts. but then how he needs to assess whether the treatment should consist in trying to sort that out or whether the treatment should consist in supportive therapy. some indications include:

- if the person has good coping skills or not (mine are relatively okay but not brilliant it is true)
- if the person is capable of insight / is psychologically minded (i think i am)
- if the person needs to function highly for work

and it is that last one. i do need to function highly. and in virtue of that... i don't know that i ever will be placed to do the exploratory work.

but... maybe the supportive work will strengthen the ego so i can do exploratory work and still function okay. maybe... but... at what cost?