No apologies necessary for the rambling! It's great to hear from you. It truly is an obsession about weight isn't it? I had THE hardest time getting rid of my bathroom scale. I moved from place to place with it, always telling myself I should toss it and try to end the addiction. I did even put it in the trash once but pulled it out again. I think it eventually met its end (don't know cause I'm living in someone else's house right now and all my things are packed up in boxes still). The place I'm at now, they have a scale though. So I've began to get back into my routine with the morning weight thing, and then before and after purging. Mornings I have to get the same number 3 times or it doesn't count. But I never really like what number it is. Could probably drop 10 lbs overnight and think "that is not good enough yet". I don't know what number would be. It's just not realistic for me anymore I don't think. Like it is totally distorted over the years... Know what I mean? But I don't think it is about control. The docs, they always seem to think that is what it is about. I think for me, it gives me something to think about and focus on instead of a million other worries or negative $h|t. It is also a structure, a routine. Weight every morning. X amount of calories each day. Purge if you eat too much. Etc.

It somehow boils a complicated life down to very simplistic measures. Not sure why that is important. Things are so overwhelming for me. Maybe I just get overwhelmed easy. But at the same time, I like it and am addicted to it. To stress. And I'm dealing with this stupid loss but it's been almost 2-3 years now. How did I ever trust another person again with my heart. Stupid stupid stupid. Never again.

At least I have a new counselor appt next week at the school counseling center. Yay for that. I am having a good day so quite hopeful. No purging today. I need a break from it. And it wasn't making the numbers drop on the scale anyways. Pathetic.

So how are you all doing? Do you go to groups or therapy or anything. What meds have you tried and did any of them work?