Wow -- your post gave me so much to think about.

First of all, you should follow whatever your heart desires as far as a career goes, but I do think it is a shame that you do not want to pursue being an analyst because I have read many of your posts, and I am blown away by your analytical mind. You have amazing powers of insight into yourself and a great ability to take psychological literature and research and apply to your situation. I think that is a great gift, to be able to stand outside yourself and be so objective in assessing where you are and how you and your T are interacting. You are incredibly honest with yourself, and that shows great, great maturity. Again, you can use those analytical skills in many other professions, too.

I have run into the same situation with high-functioning vs. trauma work. In my "outer" life I have a high demanding stressful career that I have managed to keep together. However, internally I am quite empty and very depressed from a multitude of past traumas. I have yet to find a pdoc or therapist who will touch that trauma with a 10-foot pole. On pdoc told me that he would love to get his patients with similar backgrounds as high-functioning as I am, so why in the world would I risk that by dredging all that up? It has been very discouraging, as all there is in life is to be able to slap on a fake smile and make money . So, this is all there is? This is the end goal? But no one wants to do the exploratory therapy because of that functioning issue. It's quite a catch-22. I think that many professionals do not want to be responsible for a downturn in functioning.

Supportive therapy is unattractive to me. I guess I think I can maintain status quo on my own. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. Is that kind of how you feel, like you don't know how long you'll be in that limbo before you can go where you want to go?

You bring up very interesting questions -- I wish I had more insight, but you make perfect sense. Perhaps to be more relevant and useful to your end goal, supportive therapy could be more about exploring why your relationships you describe take on the form they do and how that could improve so you could have more support in place when you do take on trauma work.

The anxiety of your situation is palpable. I am sorry for the bind you're in.