Hi there okiedokie

My mother also was an alcoholic as well, she also did drugs. My mother overdosed of heroin inside of my garage with her friend (another drug user) and by the time the paramedics came to the house to revive her, it was too late, She had 2 cardiac arrests and day later she was on life support. At the time I wanted to kill my moms friend, He went out and got the drugs and shot her up with poison. I could remember the shock that I've experienced when the paramedics came to my house and had my mother on the gurney, they were giving her CPR and could hear the awful sound of air being forced out of her lungs, she made the grunting sound, It was just Awful. It scared the living %#@&#! outta me. I will never forget that sound as long as I'm alive. I could remember when it was bed time, I couldn't sleep, I actually cried myself to sleep.

The next day I woke up and quickly took a shower and went to the hospital to see my mother. I went home for something and I believe I broke down, I was angry. I was inside my bedroom and found my butterfly knife.. I put the knife inside of my pocket and went back to the hospital where I can see my mother again, as soon as I was walking to my mothers room, I saw my moms friend, I was Fricken pissed! I shoved my hands deep inside my pocket, I wanted to take that knife out and stab the heck outta my moms friend for what he has caused. Thank god I has some scene in me, I started thinking about my father and I also started thinking about the consequences that might happen if I did stab my mothers friend. I would be in prison today right now for attempted murder (or murder), I just couldn't let that happen, as my father would be all alone. I took my hands out of my pocket and went to my mothers room where I spent a lot of time with her.

I decided that this was the time to call out for help, so I manage to talk to the ICU nurse about talking to somebody. I expressed my feelings and how I wanted to die and wanted to kill my mothers friend, she mention that I could go to the inpatient emergency psychiatric assessment center to get help. I voluntarily admitted myself to the hospital and that is where my hospitalization got started.

I currently do not have a therapist or a grief counselor as this moment. I do not have health insurance because I cant afford the premiums

I'm not on any medications, I have strong feelings torwards SSRIs. I want to get healthy the natural way, not depending on chemicals that has a potential danger side effect to my liver and kidneys. I'm taking a natural supplement of Iron and St. Johns worth including daily Multi vitamins.

I wish I had a time traveling machine. If I had one, I'd go back in time and try to fix things in a proper manner. I'm 23 years old and I miss my mommy :/

Dorsey,
I'm the military type person. I'm not in the military but my lifestyle is similar. I don't like crying because it makes me weak. I want to show everybody that I'm a strong person and that they could come to my each time they have a problem, If I start crying in front of them, they think I have problems and that I'm not the type to talk to, yanno? I tend to store up bundle of emotions deep inside me, and often I'm like a ticking time bomb and could explode anytime and anywhere. It seems that when I explode, I most likely get sent back to the psychiatric hospital because I cut myself and my personality changes dramatically.

I'm terribly sorry about your son and to your mother. It's tragic for any parent to lose a child, as that isn't what mother nature has in her mind.

I think going to the beach would be a great thing to do