I've always had strange thoughts, impulsive, uncontrollable thoughts. When I was little, I used to think, out of nowhere and of no control, things like It would scare the everliving **** out of me and now the thought of it makes me sick and those thoughts have gotten much better but have been replaced by a dehibiliting, intense fear of death, family members dying, myself dying, etc. I think constantly about why I am here and for what purpose and if I'll be remembered. I think about life and I find it so pointless. I think very deeply about how, if we do have a soul and our souls meet in "heaven" we have to do this all over again and again and again. What if there's nothing? What if this is the only life i get and I'm extremely disappointed and unfulfilled? I fake my happiness. I am never ever genuienly happy because I constantly think in the back of my mind with no control about the mortality of it all and how it al doesn't matter. My mind is constantly in a fog, I have many panic attacks, I want to kill myself but at the same time I'm absolutely terrifed of what comes next and I can't do that to my parents. I feel like I will never meet someone who makes me happy, I will never have children or get married. I will just live in this content state of foggy thoughts and blurry vision and I can't physically do it anymore. Everything feels fake to me. Unreal, almost. I really need some help because I'm going crazy and I just want to enjoy life again, that is if I ever did. I feel worthless and fat and ugly and annoying and crazy crazy crazy. I'm never happy with anything, even when I'm with friends. I'm exhausted. I feel like making new friends is pointless sometimes because I just get exhausted. I can't get a boyfriend because no boy ever pays attention to me and i haven't had one in two years. I have zero joy in life. I feel like I always need to snap out of it, bang my head against the wall to make the fog clear but it won't. I took Prozac for alwhile but even that started to give me panic attacks so I stopped taking it and nothing has gotten better and I'm afraid nothing ever will. Please give me advice. Please.