sorry guys and gals - but it's 3:30 in the morning and i'm not sleeping!!!! again! to keep from SI-ing AGAIN tonight i'm trying to stay busy on the computer...

so forgive my rambling....you might want to skip this one if you're having a hard time....i'm barely conscious....don't know what i might write...

i'm having sooo much trouble lately staying in control of my life! nothing is making sense! i'm cutting myself on my breast no less! i have little red lines running along in neat little rows. i'm inserting an object inside my private part for the sole purpose of making pain! and unfortunately i'm doing this several times a day. i'm trying soooo hard not to but it's been a losing battle!!!

i've also been doing the strangest things (other than the si-ing!) i'm not wearing any clothes!!! huh!?!?! crazy!!!!! for the past two days while at home of course...i'm walking around the house naked!!! like i want myself to be exposed! (i live alone thankfully) i do NOT have an attractive figure! i typically try to keep as covered as possible!!!

and another thing....when i'm SI-ing on my privates and i've inserted the object i'm using inside me...i just lay there on my bed in pain...and i've started sucking my thumb!!! i haven't done that since i was little!!!

i'm really falling apart here!!!! i can't work - today was my first day back to work in two weeks following my brief hospital stay in the looney bin....i know i can't work....my head is all over the place. and my boss basically implied if i kept this up i'd lose my job....so i'm thinking of taking short-term disability for some time off....so i can pull my pathetic self together....

i'm such a loser!!!! i have no earthly idea what is wrong with me lately. i'm completely out of control!!! how does this flip'n happen!?! i feel like i'm losing it! going completely mad!

oh well....enough rambling....if you made it all the way here to the end...thanks and i'm sorry!! it's five minutes of your life you won't get back!!