Halfway (nearly) through a bottle of vodka in one night... Have class tomorrow in 7 hours...cant sleep... maybe that is why the alcohol... to bring me down so i dont go manic... to drink till i pass out so i at least get some sleep.
idk... i dont want to give it up... i like the way alcohol makes me feel. i want it... it is a great substitute for a lot of things (like how I want to be close to someone but cant and am all alone... so... alcohol... why not have a relationship with alcohol?) i love it and it loves me. ive tried aa and never made it past step 3... actually never really done a solid step 3 cause i cant really allow myself to trust anyone or anything else so well, especially not god that well... turn life and will over to loving god as i understand him... ha! i do not have a concept of god that is completely loving... more of a god that wants to do harm and wants for me to harm myself.... so yes, aa is hard... and i gave it up and am now blissfully numb and headed towards the oblivion.... it feels so good. why would i ever want to give this up??? i'm a functional alcoholic... it has never interfered with my ability to do work or school.... so someone please tell me why... why should i give this up?? especially when it feels so good...

plus, another thing about aa... i am an introvert... i dont like to speak or socialize that much... but there is all this pressure, and an unspoken culture that that is what you have to do.... not to mention how my first go around with aa went steps 1, 2, 3, then 13... really messed with me that step 13... and then i just lost focus with the whole thing... i think that drinking, it is just the thing i need... just the right medicine for me. my neurons like it A LOT. I like it A LOT... so why would i, should i stop??? plus it helps with my social anxiety.... brings me out of my shell so i am actually able to relax and be more outgoing and at ease, to be more comfortable with me... and hey, i even let loose a little and have some fun....
hmmm. maybe i should get in touch with two-night stand guy again... i mean, now that i'm drinking again... would be a totally different experience with him since he drinks too... plus he really, really likes me... but he smokes pot... so im afraid i would just follow his lead, let him overpower me and consume me, and that then i would end up smoking pot too...\\
what should i do? anyone? sorry so long... had a lot to get out though i guess