There were three occasions on which I'm still not sure if I was sexually assaulted in some form. I think that as women we are taught to expect these kinds of things and that, because they are 'expected', they are okay. However, I felt these things were not okay. I never spoke up for myself at the time and back then even thought 'relax, that wasn't so bad, you're overreacting'. But as I've grown up and become more of a confident woman who is not afraid to stand up for myself, I have to ask this question. Was I sexually assaulted?

Instance #1 was with someone who was my girlfriend at the time. We were teenagers and we had been somewhat intimate with each other (touching, making out, half naked, but I've always been prone to panic attacks when it comes to the lower regions). I was being boring at the time, watching a concert DVD in the living room, and she was begging me to get naked and take a shower with her. I was really nervous about it and I didn't want to. I said I was uncomfortable with it, but she kept begging me and I felt like a horrible girlfriend for saying no. I felt that I was being boring and she wasn't going to be interested in me anymore if I didn't do it. So after she had pleaded with me time and time again that day, I said yes because I felt so guilty and like she was going to dump me otherwise. I felt sick while we walked upstairs to the shower, and the whole time I kept pulling her hands away from me. She was gentle, and she didn't push me to do anything more. When she realized truly how uncomfortable I was she said she would just wash me. I just wanted to get out.

Instance #2 was with a neighbour in my basement. She was only a couple years older than me but much bigger than me. The pull out couch had been made into a bed because we were watching movies, but she grabbed me and pinned me to the bed. She tried to make out with me but I struggled a lot, and she just laughed. I told her to get off and that I was serious but she just held my wrists tighter above my head. I don't really remember how but I wiggled one of my wrists free and started bashing her head with a DVD case because it was the closest thing I could grab. She finally got off and didn't actually do anything further to me. Is that still sexual assault?

Instance #3 was with the same neighbour. I was at her house over night sleeping in her bed with my back to her and she kept wiggling closer to me, and slipping her hands underneath my shirt and onto my breasts. I kept pulling her hands away, but she kept putting them back on my breasts. I was really uncomfortable and wanted her to stop, but no matter what she just kept touching me. I have been socially anxious and painfully shy my whole life and I know it's no excuse for not saying anything, but I didn't actually speak up for myself. I just kept trying to move her hands away from me.

If someone could let me know if I'm just overreacting, that would be fantastic.

I feel that I should also add that I have questioned whether or not I may have ever been sexually assaulted in the past, maybe due to these experiences, but also maybe due to something I don't remember at all occurring in early life? I've been asked by my mother if I've ever been touched inappropriately, and have also been asked by my therapist during sessions where she began to suspect. I started touching myself at a very young age, around six years old, and I started acting out things like being "in pain" while touching myself. It's only as I've aged that I've questioned this because I have no memory of sexual abuse before the specific occurrences that I mentioned here. I have also always had an aversion to men and am terrified of any kind of penetration. Even as a teenager I had extreme panic attacks trying to use tampons.