There are other ways to learn to live without alcohol besides AA. It sounds as if you are self-medicating and that is never good and can't work. Alcohol abuse is never your friend, too much will always harm. I would not necessarily say you were an alkie as that would give too much attention to the alcohol when it sounds mostly like a very bad coping mechanism and another way to self-harm. Behavior you want, like closeness to others, etc. takes practice; the behavior you are practicing instead will never get you there? Decide what you really want and work toward it instead of trying to play keep away from your fears and pain.