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I'm Worth It · Sep 01, 2015 at 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by defeated11

My GF and i have been together for over 4 and a half years and its been quite a rocky road. Its too much to go into detail, but our hardships involve unemployment, financial trouble, depression, and very different personalities.

For maybe over a year now, she very oftenly talks about breaking-up. How its not working, how we aren't right for each other, how little I give or support her, how she feels trapped to be where we live, etc.

I caved to breaking up twice, and in both occasions she called me a couple hours afterwards saying i was some kind of monster, how could i leave her, how cold i was, how insensitive, how unloving, etc. I can't bear to see her like that so i came back immediately... appologising for how i should have handled it better.

So ever since those two situations i tank each and every fight we have, and i insist that we can work it out. The result is she getting more and more aggravated, saying i am trapping her, getting angrier and shutting down. Then, some hours later, everything seems to fade away, and she even appologises for the things she said.

But its getting worse. The fights are more frequent. The verbal assault is escalating. She has on more than one occasion said she hates me, that i'm not man enough, that i'm ridiculous, etc. I tank it all. When i fail to do so and reply (even if only to defend myself), it only gets uglier.

When i'm not near her, i wish we would break up. I want to. But when we fight, i get overwhelmed with the feeling that we can't give up, that i love her and that this is all temporary, that she doesn't mean what she says. One minute she says she wants us to break up, the next we're talking marriage. One minute she says i am not a man, the next she's saying i take very good care of her. One minute she says she hates me, the next she says she loves me. Its not an emotional roller coaster, its more of an emotional russian roulette.

I'm tired and sad and overwhelmed. Even if i did summon the courage to break up, or accept breaking up the next time she suggests it (probably today), i know i would cave the minute she called me in tears. Besides, she is dependant on me, both financially and emotionally (even if she doesn't want to admit it). She pushes everyone away, even her own family, and she doesn't have the money or anyone else / any other place to go to.

I feel trapped, like there's no way out of this.

P.S. She hasn't talked to me all day and her phone is disconnected. I have thoughts that she might not be home anyore when i get there, although i don't think it would be the case as she has no way of supporting herself at the moment. But the thought is there, and i can't help but wonder if that would be a good or bad thing. I feel like a coward, i'm genuinelly terrified of every scenario. Be it it coming home for another fight, or going home nt to find her. I'm scared of breaking up, but i'm scared of keeping it up. This is devastating.

that this is all temporary -- temporary would be a month or so tops. This has been a difficult relaitionship for 4 years. It's dysfunctional on all levels.

Until the two of you are each independent, secure people in your own right, it will never work out.

You are not afraid of breaking up, you are afraid of being alone and becoming independent.

You have not mentioned one single positive thing about the relationship. It is not a relationship.

that she doesn't mean what she says -- when someone says something over and over again, they mean it. If they apologize and then go back to doing it over and over again, the apology was not heartfelt.

she is dependant on me, both financially and emotionally -- She knows that and forgets it sometimes and that is the reason she bothers to "come back" around to you. She is not, however, emotionally dependent on you, because she pushes everyone away. Emotionally dependent people cling to everyone most of the time. She is emotionally unstable to a spectacular degree.

I would suggest, at the very least, if you aren't sure you want to break up, a relationship break with a time limit of say 30 days to let things calm down. Neither of you can think clearly if the mess is in your face all the time. Stay with friends/family until the 30 days has passed and then meet to discuss whether or not you want to continue the relationship. It is too tangled and acrimonious at the moment to even attempt to work through it now.

And, just because she is not in a position to support herself, it doesn't mean that you continue to do that at your own emotional expense. She is an adult.