I feel broken... It's like my subconscious is trying to kill me. I just want to sit here and sob all day. I had a dream last night that I can't get out of my head, and it's more than I can handle right now... I know that dreams are just dreams, but it's how I feel that bothers me. I don't know why I have to remember him. I don't know why I can't just forget. It's been 5 years. I only knew him for one.

The worst part is that it was a good dream. But those are the worst kind of nightmares for me. It made me realize how much I would give to just see his face again. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I could forget. I wish I could be happy with what I have and not care about the past. But I know the only reason that he's gone is because of me... so how can I learn from my mistakes if I forget?

As much as I have now, I don't think I'll ever feel the way I did back then.