I am truly sorry you've had such experiences. It's tough when you have such strong fear and even repulsion towards intimacy and sex and even more so when you don't know where it stems from.

Jess, maybe you've had an awful experience with being molested as young child and have since repressed the traumatic incident as a means of protecting yourself. I can't say for sure as I don't know what your childhood was like but I don't think it's something you've developed purely by yourself.

With that said, I give you my best wishes and a long distance hug to help you feel better.