I'm definitely feeling like this today. It sort of hit me that someone I really cared about was driven away by my insanity, and I feel like if I'd been how I am now (better) back then, maybe things would have been different and I never would have lost him. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry today, say that I know what I mess I was and that I didn't have an excuse, and I want to fix it. But at the same time, I know I can't. Trying to communicate would probably make things worse for both of us.

I guess in a way I'm kind of jealous that you were able to get that kind of closer from at least one of them... I never got that, and probably never will. Good for you for being able to do something like that, I think I'm far too scared to try.