Hi AlwaysChanging2,

I understand the anxiety and confusion that result when you do something that feels completely out of character. What I thought about when I was reading your post is that you seem to have a part of you that feels very angry and has possibly been hurt by others. Are you aware of this part of you? It sounds like it just sort of sneaks out and catches you off-guard (such as flipping people off unexpectedly).

Are you in therapy? It may be wise to look inside, with the help of a therapist, to find out what is making you feel so angry. I say "with the help of a therapist" because you describe yourself as already feeling like you are not in control of your reactions. Dissociating is a way to protect yourself from pain, and looking inside can sometimes cause pain before you find ways to deal with the cause of that pain. I would not recommend that you try to do this work on your own. It could cause you to feel less stabilized.

You also sound depressed and sort of hopeless about things getting better. Don't give up, there is always hope! Can you find something to do today to soothe yourself, even just a little bit? (Something healthy.) It sounds like you are under a lot of stress and could use a way to wind down and just take a breather.

Peaches

Peaches