After I wrote my message last night, I continued to pray. I can't say that I received any epiphany since then, but as I was debating the issue with myself in my journal, contemplating the two most probable outcomes of this renewed crisis, I did have a sort of 'mini-epiphany.'

It can't hurt to, at the least, be prepared.

Believe me, there is no living being who would be saddened, much less devastated, by my suicide. I stepped out, and was partially pushed out, of the circle of human society over sixteen years ago and was so disgusted and distrustful of what I saw and experienced that I never made an attempt to 'fit' again.

Yesterday, hypergraphiac that I am – we love making lists, I started a list of the effect that my suicide would have on anyone. I believe that my caregiver might be sad for a couple of hours but that she would be more concerned about getting another client quickly. My death, my suicide, would cause a very, very slight, almost minuscule, economic blip for a handful of companies but my apartment would have a new tenant quickly, the utility companies would have new subscribers, etc. My disability check is slightly under $24K annually. Not much of a blip.

My pastor, who is also my confessor, would not be surprised. He is retiring and moving to another state in two weeks and were I to follow through he will have been long gone from here. I'm sure that he would continue to offer masses for the benefit of my soul as he's been doing over the past two years. But he knows my history, he knows more about me than any living soul, and he wouldn't be surprised or even saddened to any degree: he's seen death in such varied and tragic circumstances that I would be a blip for him, too.

I, too, believe that we only have one earthly life. But I also believe that we have an immortal soul. I believe in heaven, purgatory and complete separation from God (hell). Those beliefs are what have kept me, over these many years, from contemplating suicide.

But the 'okay' days, which I've only had while on the Effexor, are few. Most of my days are days of sadness, emptiness and a new type of hopelessness and despair. I am always asking forgiveness for those latter two feelings.

I cannot have any impact in the future. No one has any need for anything that I could provide. I am wholly unnecessary. I am unusable, damaged beyond the cost of repair. Were it not for the space that I occupy, the money that I spend and the things that I consume, I would be nothing.

I cannot change the past that led me to my first 'breakdown' or the events, resulting from that first breakdown, that led to this current breakdown.

You have much more insight on suicide than me. I have never considered it before. You have considered it, and I'm guessing even considered methods, etc,? I took a very quick glance on the web and saw that there are abundant resources. Gaining access to some of these resources are quite expensive, which surprised me. You would think that some of the people compiling this information might be acting on humanitarian grounds.

I'm going to copy your message and paste it in my journal. I need to think on and pray about some of the things that you've written. My intention, to be carried out over the next three or four days, is to visit some of these resourceful websites and, if one or two seem to be truly helpful and receive 'good reviews,' pay and join. To attempt to, at the least, secure the 'means' before even making a concrete decision or plan.

Obviously, I won't share any information that I might obtain. I genuinely do believe that MOST people, whether able to take solace in it or not, ARE a part of a larger society which may include family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, etc., some of whom may be devastated by that person's suicide.

I don't believe that 'my case is so very special' that I'm excluded from societal norms but I do believe that it's rare enough that I need not favor those norms with much consideration. I can't even think of a way that any previous friends might become aware of my death. None of the residents of my apartment building are 'friends' with me on Facebook, nor any of my doctors or my caregiver. My cremation and columbarium niche are paid up. There will be no funeral, funeral mass or newspaper obituary. It would take a minor miracle for word to spread across town much less back to Atlanta.

I am so sorry for rambling on... I have had only minor success in controlling this disorder. I can't tell you how very much I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences: your words are in my journal and I can ponder and review them in leisure as I continue to consider this most final action.

Thank you,