I am going to try to articulate here what I can't seem to do in therapy sessions or when talking to any doctors (or people, really). Hopefully it doesn't turn out to be too long.

I have become frustrated as I grow older (I am 32 now) and only discover more and more of the problems I've developed in life. I'm understanding myself more, yes, but the more I understand, the worse things seem to be.

First off, and this is an odd one... I can't seem to feel strong emotion without the help of some "motivating" movie or well-written novel. I live with a boyfriend who I can't even act close to because I don't feel close. I know I like him, but feeling anything, even though he feels for me, is like picking up a pile of bricks, even though he helped me get away from a very bad family situation and try to form a new life. It's like I've become permanently numb. He is not very good at being intimate, and I can't act, so nothing of that sort even comes close.

Let me just say, however, that I feel very strongly for people and am a little bit of an internet activist. I think all living things are equal and I hate to see anything suffer, so I -do- care even though people sometimes tell me that I don't, simply because I can't show it. I like to believe that I have a lot of love, but I can't fully feel it or express it without the help of a computer screen and anonymity.

Sometimes I do feel passion and I will start a project and work at it tirelessly for hours, but then I'll back off when it seems that I notice that I'm doing great, and never go back to it. I'll hit a low point and procrastinate on everything until a wild streak of motivation happens again and I'll repeat the cycle. Because of this and social anxiety, I have never been able to hold a job for more than a few months, and I have filed for SSI.

I always fear too much talk with people, especially face to face with more than one, because it seems like I can feel what they do and hurt when they hurt, or just know when they dislike me. Every social interaction is like stepping around glass. I also isolate myself for extremely long periods of time and play games or read books just to be in a different world where I feel I can function normally and even excel. It is very rare for me to pop my head out once I'm 'in the zone' without someone there to poke me and help motivate.

To top all of this off, I lost a great deal of my family to drug abuse. They didn't die, but they disappeared into their own haze, got lost on the streets or came home damaged from the war in Iraq and THEN got lost to drugs. I often had to watch and try to stop violent or near-violent escalations between my dad and my ptsd suffering brother. They nearly broke me, and that's where my boyfriend stepped in and helped me move away.

Now I live where I should be pretty happy. I have my own room, there are no more shouts, bangs, smashes or drunken/drug-induced speech, except for the phantom sounds that I hear when everything is quiet or when the neighbor startles me by slamming or dropping something upstairs.

I guess, to sum it up, I feel like I am in a physical and emotional stasis, and one that I can't seem to get to my therapist. I've described vaguely my depression and anxiety issues, but no doctor has ever gotten the whole picture, and since I procrastinated most of my lawyer's calls and appointments and didn't know what to say at court, I lost my case for SSI. I've been waiting years, with no end in sight, a mute voice, phantoms and crippling emotional states.

I apologize for such a long post... But what can I do in this situation? How do I fix my life and feel the ways I should feel?

I just sit here, hoping that one day I'll break out of a cocoon.