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Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.
I'm in a relationship with someone who has Aspergers right now. It hasn't always been easy coping with the relationship yo-yoing between being around each other a lot and him needing lots of space suddenly. I have separation anxiety as it is and I'm unsure how he ever plans to get married and have children if he really needs as much space as he often appears to need. He doesn't really know or understand his needs so it's a bit anxiety inducing to be around him and not know if he's getting enough alone time (because he will not communicate about that or enforce boundaries, leaving me to guess) so as not to have a meltdown and then abandon me.
I'm just so confused as to what he wants or needs as he practically demands to be subservient to my needs, even if it causes a meltdown and won't tell me until after the fact.
Also, I've been struggling to get him to understand my level of anxiety (just in general, not over the relationship itself). He's experienced some anxiety before and believes if he can just muscle his way through all of his issues, then I should be able to too. And to not push through, say, a major panic attack and *gasp* remove myself from the situation, well that's unacceptable! I don't know how to explain to him that not everyone is exactly like him and can deal with things like he apparently can. It's like he doesn't realize that other people are different from him.
And I probably just made him sound awful…but he really isn't. Deep down he's a wonderful man, but Aspergers seems to create a "wall" between his intentions and what he actually says/does which makes him occasionally seem cold, aloof, mean etc. It's looking past that wall that gets me through those moments.
I really feel for those who have Aspergers who want to have a relationship with someone. Deep down most are wonderful people but the quirks of Aspergers sometimes makes them not seem that way…or just makes them SO hard to understand sometimes. I just can't believe it took him 31 years to find someone that could love him for who he is…most girls he dated broke up with him within weeks. He's the nicest guy I've ever known and I can't believe no one else saw that.
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I know exactly what you mean. I really feel for my former GF also. She is sweet and kind and so wants a nice relationship with someone. But I found it to be so hard to deal with the shutdowns and meltdowns. I just did not know what to expect next.
You mentioned "aloof" and it reminded me of one of the first things I noticed. We were talking one night and she suddenly started talking very slowly. I would ask her a question, and she would hesitate a long time and then answer. It was like she was somewhere else.
What I personally struggled with was trying to figure all of this out. Why did she act like this? What was going on? I think if my friends would not have told me that they noticed Asperger's traits, I may have never gotten to the bottom of it.