I often wonder how long I will be able to fight it off. So many times I have thought about how I can end this pain. So many times I have visioned it but every single time I dont. And its not because I have found a slither of hope, nor is it because I wasnt read or because there was light at the end of my tunnel, there is only darkness and it is only going to get darker.

I cant stop my pain, stoping my pain will increase my parents pain. Its not fair that they shold have to loose one child, I wont be the reason they lose two. I will miss my brother every second of every day when the cancer takes him away from us. And words cant even begin to describe how petrified I am of recieving that call. I just dont understand it, why? Why him what did he ever do to deserve a fate so cruel?

I read somewhere once that suicide occurs when pain and suffering out weigh the resources and help. This is true, so very true. I know you can call all these numbers when your feeling like taking your life but, I dont know a single soul whos first traing of thought while wanting to take their life is *oh i wonder what hotline i should call* i can tell you I have never thought of calling a hotline whilst planing to take my life.

I have been to my gp, many times over the many years playing this mind game with myself. They all the say the same thing, your allergies to medicine are just to complex, you will have to deal with your Depression, Anxiety and other Mental Health problems, threw counciling. So you go, to the sessions, you see the docs week after week sometimes 2 times a week. Talking about it doesnt really fix it.

Nothing does. Then its not enought that I am constantly feeling like a worthles piece of garbage, alone with no assistance, talking myself in and out of suicide, fighting with the constant desire to just cease all exsistance, shaking like im on a roller coaster, arguing with myself to get out of bed. I have to thrown in some jealousy, anger and frustration that theres *nothing* to help me, but I can see people struggle with their depression for short periods of time and then go on meds and then it feels like in no time they are pretty much sorted.

Its so frustrating to be jealous of a person who you know is suffering also. I hate myself for thinkging my problems are worse then others. I have always always always wanted to be the non-judgemental person the one who never believes their problems are bigger then anothers.

I just can not see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore, I mean if i feel like this now, how bad is it going to get when he dies? How is it ever going to get better when he is gone, if I wont ever see him again and I am already this messed up?