Quote:
Originally Posted by littleowl2006
Hey folks,
I need some advice.
I am very confused and feel helpless because of some issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been together for more than a year now, and sometimes everything is going just fine, I calm down, start to feel at ease and trust him - and then some problem comes up, or something needs to be discussed, and all of a sudden he distances himself from me, becomes insecure and very rude and then doesn't want to see me because he says he is scared that we might fight again. He avoids telling me things and waits until I find out from others, or worse, facebook. He texts me a lot and this makes me very nervous, because his texts confuse me and make me mad and everything just gets worse. I don't get him. Of course I can understand that talking is hard, apparently especially for men (even though I don't want to let this count as an excuse for treating me that way). I have told him and showed him that I love him and that he can trust me, but he keeps hurting me and then running away from it. By now I have developed a temper whenever I get in a conflict with him and he starts acting unfair and scream at him. This hurts me as well and I don't want to be the girlfriend who screams and throws stuff, but I feel just so helpless and have lost my trust. My heart hurts physically, it is a real pain in my chest and I feel like he just avoids me and keeps me out of his life whenever he wants to. He justifies himself a lot, but I don't want to hear excuses. I want to be with him, and to be closer to him and not get thrown out of the comfort zone whenever I start to let go.
Any advice on this from the community would be so helpful. Thanks + hugs from a very confused little owl  |
Without knowing his history, I will simply address how to handle things when he does pull away. When he does this, how do you respond? Do you chase after him and try to pin him down? When he pulls away, it is best for you to simply let him be alone. Don't pull away yourself, stay anchored, but don't call, email, text at all. Let him reach out to you. When he does, you do not react in anger or criticize, you simply listen. While he is in pull back mode, you are doing other things to take the focus of the relationship for yourself. Go out and do things, work on projects you've let slide, anything that makes you feel better during this time.
If you can do this at least a few times, it can get better and happen less often at least. It will demonstrate a couple of things to him -- a) that you love him and are willing to work with him when he's stressed b) that you are making an effort to control your anger so that he feels less threatened by having to talk to you about things he thinks you will be upset about and c) that you are willing to let him go and not cling to him. That is actually a silent message. "Ok, you can do this if you want to, but I am living my life without you until you come out again. (and if you keep doing this, one of these times, I won't be here when you do come out).
That is not to say that you shouldn't let him know how this makes you feel, but do it in a way that is about being supportive and caring for the relationship. "You know, M, I understand that this (argument, situation) has upset you and you needed time to think, however, it is hurtful to me and it doesn't allow us to stay connected. I realize that I can be difficult sometimes and I'd like it if we could work together during rough periods a little bit more to help keep our relationship solid". And, then let him talk.