Quote:
Originally Posted by Perna
There are other ways to learn to live without alcohol besides AA. It sounds as if you are self-medicating and that is never good and can't work. Alcohol abuse is never your friend, too much will always harm. I would not necessarily say you were an alkie as that would give too much attention to the alcohol when it sounds mostly like a very bad coping mechanism and another way to self-harm. Behavior you want, like closeness to others, etc. takes practice; the behavior you are practicing instead will never get you there? Decide what you really want and work toward it instead of trying to play keep away from your fears and pain.
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You are spot on that it is another way to self harm. There is a normal way to drink alcohol. Such as one glass of wine a night for to help your heart (or so they say). Or for celebrating, like a toast of champagne for a wedding... But then there is also the underlying stuff under drinking when it is used as a coping mechanism (a bad one cause it is harmful) to deal with depression, emptiness, anxiety, shame and fear.
Anyways... I'm ready to put the self harm behind me finally. I just realized today that I was putting so much energy into trying to harm myself. It is not worth it. I want to take all that energy and direct it elsewhere. To something or someone else in a positive way. Like for helping out others. And volunteering. Besides, the negative energy and trying to harm myself is draining. Positive energy breeds more positive energy and helps out all around (self and others). So that is the plan Stan and I'm sticking to it! I can do it one day at a time. I'm ready to stop hurting and to stop harming myself and to stop suffering. This in turn will also stop hurting others. I want to get better.
They say fake it till you make it, so today on my questionnaire for therapy (they have a computer program where you go through and answer a series of questions and then it analyzes it and the therapist prints it off for the session and can see a little how you are doing)... Today I totally out and out lied on the thing to make it sound better than I was actually feeling. I wanted to do this because I though it was going to be my last session and I wanted the therapist to feel closure in that I had gotten better, etc. (It's not going to be the last session we are just going to do check in sessions less frequent). Anyways, the point is, the amazing part, is that by lying about it saying I felt better - well I actually began to really feel better. So I feel bad about lying but it is in the context of fake it till you make it and it actually helped.
Thanks you guys for all your replies! I really appreciate you all and your support!!
__________________
"When it's good, it's so good,
when it's gone, it's gone."
-Ben Harper
DX: Bipolar Disorder, MDD-recurrent. Issues w/addiction, alcohol abuse, anxiety, PTSD, & self esteem. Bulimia & self-harm in remission