My Support Forums - View Single Post - Freaked out by Dr. Google

ShaggyChic_1201 · Sep 03, 2015, 09:07 PM

I can't understand how, if I hated him so much, and I did hate him, I still didn't have the courage to turn him in.

Possible trigger:

By the end, I barely reacted even the times I thought he was going to kill me. I was so tired of living in terror that death seemed okay to me. And yet, my T makes the argument that my NOT saying something was because my mind was protecting me from what I perceived to be life threatening. These 2 things don't go together. If I was ok with dying, why didn't I just call the cops and trigger the massive blow-up? If I wasn't ok with dying, why wasn't I panicked when he played Russian roulette with me?

Precaryous, I agree with your assessment that it's better to deal with the devil you know, and I did that with my also-abusive ex. In that case, I did defend him and protect him, but that was years after these incidents occurred. For some reason, I can understand why I stayed with him. He was charming and manipulative and crazy as a loon, in such a way that I was always confused whether Dr. Jeckyll or Mr. Hyde would show up. Like gamblers, I stayed becuase the next hand could be the winner (or the next interaction could be wonderful).

But that wasn't the case with the monster. He was scary crazy and everyone knew it. None of this makes any sense and I'm feeling horrified at what I've done and let happen.