So I've been lying in bed, wide awake at 3:30 in the morning yet again, when I started thinking back to something. I remembered that when I started seeing my T, she wore long, ankle-length skirts (can something that long be called a "skirt"? I dunno). During one session I noticed that, while she had her legs crossed, she tugged the skirt down as though she was afraid it was riding up too high and that I might be staring (it wasn't and I wasn't).

What I realized only just now, at 3:30 in the morning (a time for realizing all sorts of things), is that I don't remember the last time I saw her wear a skirt like that. Every time I've seen her, for months now, she's worn either jeans or black pants.

First of all, it horrifies me to think that she may have changed her typical habit of dress because of me. That she was concerned about distracting me during sessions, or, worse, that I was making HER uncomfortable. One of my huge hang-ups is a fear of being off-putting to people, more specifically, a fear of being thought of as weird or creepy by women. (I've got massive rejection and abandonment issues rooted in bad experiences growing up, and failed relationships in adulthood that threw gasoline on those old embers.) The greatest horror to me now would be to think that my T, whom I have grown to love and respect and depend upon, might see me this way and that she's just really good at maintaining a professional facade. That she doesn't feel safe around me, deep down. That maybe she's trying to dress more conservatively ONLY on days that she sees me, and goes back to those skirts the rest of the week.

And quite frankly, if that's what she's doing, it's backfired, because I notice her legs and thighs and hips a hell of a lot more in those jeans and pants than I ever did in the skirts.