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Sep 04, 2015, 06:43 AM
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Member Since: Sep 2015
Location: Rome
Posts: 5
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Thank you - all of you - for your kind and interesting answers, and for the warm welcome and support you're giving to me and others in similar situations.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23
Welcome to PC! 
Are you planning on seeing a new therapist or psychiatrist in your new area? I ask because what you describe could be a few possibilities and somebody in real life will be better placed to help you understand what is happening to you.
One thing about schizoaffective disorder is that it can be either bipolar type (hypo/mania and depression) or depression (only) type. Depression can present as feeling numb/emotion-less, rather than feeling sadness.
I will admit that I know very little about schizoid personality disorder, but my impression was that people with that weren't bothered by their lack of sociability etc. Lack of motivation and social anxiety are just 2 of a number of explanations that can also cause a person to isolate themselves from others.
I am curious as to what happened 12 years ago when this all began? That's largely rhetorical because it may be too personal to share online, but I think your journey from where you were 12 years ago to where you are now could provide important clues to a therapist/Dr or even yourself as to what caused this.
More important though is working out where you want to go from here? What do you want to do with your life - what are your values and goals? Reconnecting with those will help you see what your next step is.
All the best 
*Willow* |
Thank you, and to you too. I will start therapy next week, primarily because it's less tedious than having to talk with the people around me about how I'm doing, what I'm feeling, what are my hopes for the future, how will I find a job, what do I want to do with my life, and pretend all the time that I feel the intimacy, interest and strength required to answer honestly to such questions. I can't imagine having a future at all. As I perceive things now, if anybody really knew me or loved me, they would just leave me alone. I perceive being spoken to as a demonstration of hatred, even though I understand it could likely be the opposite. This said, I enjoy, and dare say need, social interaction over the internet, though not on social networks, just with carefully selected individuals, strangers with whom I share an interest, a passion, a personality trait, or unrelated experiences. What happened when I was 15? I think I became more and more aware of how different I was feeling from everybody else in my school, in my family, wherever I went and whatever I did. People seemed to live in a realm that to me was unaccessible. I felt so alone, and never managed to adapt without forcing myself to be someone I wasn't. It was as if I were bursting with life to the point where this worldly domain was not enough to contain it; and suddenly being alive felt like a limit, and solitude the only place where I could free myself from it, and be complete. I rejected this world entirely - regarded its reality as absurdity - and lived with the pain and bliss that meant, in a world of my own that made sense to me. My delusions started more or less at that age, 14-15 - I started having my first erotomanic episodes, or believing I had a terrible disease(and both these things reoccured several times throughout the years), or that everybody was speaking horribly about me, and since then, things never got better. I tried working now and then, but I never managed to fit in, or was inappropriate and rude to people. I tried university, but I loved it so much I would sort of "forget" I had exams to do. After my last delusion, which involved a professor of mine(I believed we were communicating through a code system), I stopped going to lessons, and wasn't ever able to concentrate again. Right now I have to decide whether to drop university or not, which is a painful decision, because I love studying, and have been doing so for the past 7 years, though without even getting close to a degree. My values and goals in life? I wish I could just find some peace, outside and inside myself. But mostly I believe the kind of peace I'm looking for is not attainable while living, because, as Emily Dickinson put it, "a Suspicion, like a Finger/ touches my Forehead now and then/ that I am looking oppositely/ For the site of the Kingdom of Heaven".
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