Thankyou Francis for the information! I need to take more action towards getting better, I will be looking up those resources to find something in my area to help and I also would love to read more on how to control my anxiety and depression, so the library is a good start.
Although I feel like I want to die, or that it would be easier.. I would never contemplate doing so. My children are my entire world and I would never leave something like that to scar them. Sometimes I just lock myself in my room at hard times and wish to god I would die so I can stop the constant pain and upset I feel.
I did love my therapist and I was referred by my doctor when I called in tears absolutely desperate for help. Sadly she couldn't see me for more than 6 months as she was in high demand and had to close some of her older cases.
I felt better and relieved after ever session, very hopeful!! But 2 months out of therapy and I feel im back to where I started!
I tried paxil and it sent me absolutely crazy. I couldn't stop shaking and throwing up, I was terrified of my surroundings for the entire time on it and had horrible hallucinations. Plus 2 weeks following stopping the medication, I felt 'not with it' and it has scared me to ever try anything like that again I am on ativan for anxiety but I hate its side effects so much that I don't dare take that anymore either.
One day I will call my doctor.. I'm just stuck in a rut of not doing anything right now and even making a phone call seems out of reach. I don't understand why...

Vital, I have read your notes and I find snap club to be great!! I have tried to practise it since I read and I agree fully that It will help some. Sometimes it's hard to even snap my fingers and tell myself to do something, im lacking major creativity and around taking care of my children it is hard to think of things to do for myself.. I feel like I lost myself a long time ago and I long for some hope and excitement in my life.. Yet I don't know where to start.

Thanks again guys, I really appreciate it

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