Hey Eden,

Just been reading back through your posts- that's a lot of stuff your carrying. I think it sounds really overwhelming and you sound pretty scared right and though joining up dots it sounds like you have reason to if you have had bad experiences in the past- it sounds quite normal to be afraid of saying anything right now.

But lets just look at what you have right now, and think about what your options are, because all this that your trying to deal with on your own; it sounds really really hard and it doesn't seem to be stuff that will just go away or that you will get used to. In my experience, trying to hide away or not think about things or avoid or bury things just gives it more power because you end up spending your life revolved around trying to not think, not say and not act on the things you are trying to escape from. It would be great if it were possible to carry on regardless but when we go through something traumatic like it sounds like you have, it isn't really easy or even in some cases, possible to just walk, things come back to haunt us no matter how far and fast we think we can run.

I also want to point out to you that the last experience you had which has put you off asking for help; that sounds like another added trauma in it's own right and something that warrants talking to those around you to make sure that if things do get bad again (and I'm not saying they will or wont) that the same experience is not repeated.

I would then suggest starting with that- starting with what happened last time. Talk to your psychiatrist and psychologist about what happened and how it felt and how it scares you off using the support on offer, else what is all the time and space to talk about for if you can't use it to help yourself?

The idea of talking about the hospital/treatment experience to those around you is to try to make yourself feel safe to say what you need to. It is important to feel that you have some and as much input in to your treatment and care as possible. It is also important that you trust those around you to have your best interests at heart if they feel you are not able to stay safe and keep yourself from harm. I know it must feel like people can suddenly turn on you- I have had a similar experience myself where I now can't use my own crisis center (which is tricky given on how I am feeling at the moment...) but if you don't try to work on changing it, it wont change.

I'm not sure if you have any sort of a "care plan" written up? Here in the UK we have care plans which are written up before we "lose the plot" (to coin a term!) and we can make it clear what is and what isn't helpful. It's in the best interests of everyone to make sure you are happy with any such care plan because otherwise it breaks down the trust and leaves someone who is struggling badly without a hope of getting support and can isolate and leave someone ultimately very hopeless. It's that which can then trigger a whole host of knock on problems and it's important to not get to a position which it actually sounds like you are very close to.

So here is a suggestion. What about when you see your psychologist and/or psychiatrist next, that you say how you are struggling to trust them with anything as you are terrified of a repeat of before. Your scared of being hurt. Explain to them what happened and then explain how it left you feeling and lastly how you view the services available and what that means for you when you are struggling.
It would then be a good idea to ask if you can create a care plan or some sort of written agreement with whomever you have chosen to speak to. There will be rules against things like risks to your life or to others so confidentiality would be broken if your psychologist or psychiatrist felt you were at risk, but you can then say how you'd like things to be handled and what you'd like to happen.
Try to think of it as if you had a younger brother or sister or friend who was in your position and you worried was in mortal danger (That would be the biggest risk to break confidentiality on) what do you think would be best to keep them safe, and do you think there would be some sort of compromise you could make with whomever you are discussing this with so you give them a small degree of responsibility to look after you and what would feel like looking after you and what wouldn't.

When and only when you feel happy with this- and it doesn't have to be a long drawn out process, just until you feel safer (know that when you have had a traumatic experience, part of you will always hold on to the unsafe part to some degree- it's normal, but you don't need to let it overrule any logic or letting yourself try to do things differently after talking things through), after you have a plan in place and know what's what, then you can begin to let someone know what is really going on.

If your questioning when, my hunch is that it's your minds way of saying it's a good time to ask for help. You need support- asking for help should be about support not about someone taking control and you ultimately feeling someone is hurting you or you are at risk.

Maybe if it's hard to start, write down for your next psychiatrist or psychologist session, all the things you are worried about happening and then all the things which are going on. You don't need to sit and relive everything if it's too much to do in front of someone but I do think it's important to reach out to someone and try to work with them rather than watching them what feels like taking over and hurting you.

When do you get to see anyone (professional) again? Do you think you can try to start to break down the barriers between you and them a bit? I hope your able to- I know you sound brave enough going on how you've gotten through last time on top of an already difficult set of mental health concerns.

Thinking of you.