For me, I think that whether or not a person has a disorder depends on whether the person is distressed by their symptoms, or whether the symptoms cause a problem for the person, or sometimes for others around them. I don't know what your symptoms are, or what specific trouble they are causing you, but it does sound like it is bothering you, since sometimes you feel guilty and confused. I think it is significant that you want to stop and can't too. From the little that you wrote, it sounds like a problem that you might want to get help for. I hope that you do get some help, and that you are able to be in control of your life and be the person you want to be.