Waggiedog it sounds like you are being really hard on yourself... What ever happened to inner beauty (not saying you are not beautiful on the outside because I am sure you are but maybe you don't see yourself this way... it is hard when we can be negative and critical about ourselves). All I know is that you have always been so kind and supportive of others here. That is a wonderful and beautiful person in you who does this simple act of kindness towards others. You seem very loving and caring and if that is not beautiful I do not know what is. There are plenty of "thin" people who are complete B***hes to others and have no care about any others. I do not see this as beautiful. Many who struggle with weight issues (real or imagined) have focused energies on others and have huge hearts and therefore neglect themselves. What is one thing today that you can do to take care of you? Something kind and gentle towards yourself. And loving to self. We get into trouble when we neglect ourselves. Neglect is a very real, sad and overlooked form of abuse. Most people thing of lack of food, shelter, etc. when they think of neglect. But there is also emotional neglect. Sometimes this comes from our parents not giving us the love or attention needed, and sometimes is just manifested in our later lives for unknown reasons. Perhaps an ex in a former relationship or a friend or something to that effect. I think emotional neglect can be very damaging to a person's self esteem and concept of self-worth. Please be kind and gentle to you. You are deserving and worthy. And as for being back on the drink, I think everyone has had a relapse or two (maybe I'm only speaking of my personal experience, but change is difficult and takes a lot of time and support from others).