ugh, why did i do this again...

so i pretty much got rid of every contact i had where i live and i am glad i did so, i needed to... to make up for it, i had an old friend come visit. we were never really close and actually he invited himself...

this is going to sound awful but i wanted to spend time with someone just as crazy as i am to feel less like the freak. but then i learned what a judgmental asshole i am, because he actually embarrasses me in many ways...

but why i really started this... so he started hitting on me and i didnt know what to do about it so i got so drunk that i basically just forgot that my body was mine and let him do whatever and just pretended i was somewhere else. i let him caretake me and do stuff with me (his meds stopped him from doing everything).

this pattern goes back to trauma but also getting into the sex trade... most of my clients wanted a kid instead of a girlfriend since i essentially was a kid, and looked even younger. the caretaking part of it. i dont know how to act like a willing partner.... playing submissive is one thing, playing dead is another.

i dont want to be here and i know i should tell him to leave now but he did come a long way... i was hoping this time it wouldnt mess me up. really, i tried not to think about it.