Some years back when my mom was sick and dying and I was spending a lot of time at my parents' place, I was struck by how much lasagna they got.

Seriously. It felt like every day someone rang the doorbell and was like, oh hey guys, I don't want to take too much of your time, just wanted to see how things are going and give you this lasagna, I hope tomorrow will be a better day, well gotta run...

The sense of community, the love and support, was overwhelming.

I don't have that in my life right now. To be sure, nobody's dying--but it's an exceptionally hard time nevertheless. My partner has emerged from many months of hardcore depression and has unilaterally decided that we need to separate, which I absolutely do not want and did not see coming. It feels like the bottom has just fallen out on my life. It's lonely and scary.

I find myself wishing a lot that my T were part of the lasagna crew. She is gentle and patient with me. She helps me figure out how to survive in the short and medium term. She lets me be and angry, sad, confused or whatever for as long as I need--or until the end of the session at any rate. But she will never be part of the kind of community that shows up with food and says we're here for you. She is my imaginary friend, not my helpful neighbor. This distinction is especially poignant because my T is literally my neighbour (lives on the next block) and I see her around but of course, appropriately she's only there for me in session.

I need her as my kind imaginary friend but I really need some helpful neighbours too. I would love her to be that but know she cannot. I need a lasagna crew. I have not cultivated that community and now it feels my life is socially impoverished. I have put a lot more emotional energy into therapy than into friendships and I wish now that I'd pushed myself harder to be social. I work long hours with colleagues I like, felt very close to my partner, have little kids and a basically introverted nature so I had not, until now, felt so inclined to go out and pursue friendships or join groups.

How does your T fit into your sense of community or social support network? Do you feel that therapy steals focus or energy from growing other relationships?

My therapist has been talking a lot about self-care. I do see the importance of diet, exercise, adequate sleep, massage, warm baths and all that good stuff. But what I need right now is that lasagna community. I realize that nothing can shield us from ever experiencing fear, loneliness and despair, but I imagine that this type of pain is buffered better by friends than by baths.

Do you have people to bring you lasagna when you need it? How did you get them? I'm open to suggestions.