I am very similar to u in all of this. I do not have a BPD diagnosis at least not yet. I just started with a new T. My old T said something to me that agitated me and our 3 yr relationship went out the window. I left and didn't care much. Did make me feel like I was too broken and made me look at how I am with all my relationships. I push everyone away. Even my wife! I've gotten upset recently and felt like everything was my fault and I was such a bad person and didn't deserve anything good.

All I could do was sit in the dark away from everyone and replay all the crap my father said to me as a child. How worthless I am and how I'll never be good. I too SI. Not as much as I used to. Yet still when really down or upset the urge gets so strong and sometimes I give in. Cuz no matter what I still feel like that worthless little girl who was always abused and told how I'll never amount to anything and I'm better off living and dying on the street.