Default New, scared... Pretty sure I'm "crazy"
Back story: Bad childhood, mother absent (prison, addict), father absent (ditto), grandma raised me til she died, then uncle begrudgingly took over (he's a real NICE guy- not)... Fast forward: 3 failed marriages, 4 children.

I am a 28 year old female, and I think my husband is right. I am "crazy".

Sometime I have so much going on inside of my head, that I will literally DO NOTHING for days on end. Sometimes, I get this wild idea that I need to be perfect for my family and I will spend hours cleaning, baking & organizing- only to realize by the end of the day I have actually accomplished nothing, no one notices and it was an absolute waste of my time. I am impatient with my children, I love them so much- but I have nothing to give them. I don't play with with, I don't really smile... I want to be so much more for them and I have absolutely no idea how. I am lonely- ALL THE TIME, regardless of how many people are around me. I worry always, that my husband is cheating, that my children will get hurt when I am not around, that a plane a daily member is on will crash. I recently went on vacation & I COMPLETELY sabotaged the entire thing. I couldn't enjoy myself, I flipped out on my husband for MAKING ME leave my kids behind...

I am petrified of abandonment, if my husband is late coming home from work I this he's gone home with a coworker because she is saner, more worthy than I am... Who wants to come home to THIS?!

Every few weeks, I lose complete control of myself. I will start a fight, accuse my husband of gas lighting me, cheating on me, accuse my other of trying to stea my children... I will kick, scream, cry, throw things- kick my husband out and tell him how much I HATE HIM, how awful he is to me- he will leave, I will threaten to hurt myself, and then I will hunt him down and cry and beg for him to come back. I CANNOT BE ALONE.

I don't like leaving the house, I need my husband to go with me. It's too hard, too scary.

I am pretty awful, I want so badly to be happy, productive, safe... Fun.

What is going on? I'm not always terrible, but I usually feel terrible. Is this something? I can't live like this anymore, I am terrified my husband is going to leave me. This is no fun at all!