When I meant masking emotions, I didn't mean masking the negative things, just that I wish I were less of a B about it. For example, he just told me about two things career/academic wise that just happened to him that were great (keep in mind that we're in the same field) and instead of keeping my envy to myself, I made it more apparent than I should have. I should have just appeared happy for him. I mean I am, but I'm also extremely competitive and I have issues with envy when anything good happens to other people…I just wish I could wear a mask that covered that ugly side of me. To be fair though, he preempted his announcement by telling me that I'm going to be jealous which makes it very difficult not to be when I was essentially told how I should respond.

But I'm pretty open about our sexual disfunction's. I might let something go for a little bit to see if it'll resolve itself or something or maybe my perspective will change or simply to understand the issue better…but it's not like I fake enjoyment when I don't really enjoy it. I mean, I do tell him it's ok when he's unable to get an erection or ejaculates sometimes immediately after penetration or even before. I don't see what good it will do to really show my disgust and frustration at that moment because it'll make him more afraid of "messing up" and have even more problems controlling his penis. And in the grand scheme of things, technically it's ok. Since he doesn't last long enough for me to orgasm through penetration, none of my sexual enjoyment needs him to have an erection.

I guess I want to learn to express myself in a constructive manner and not televise my emotions so strongly. It's not like he can't read exactly how I feel even if I say the opposite a lot of the time.

We have discussed some things via e-mail because I can compose myself better and be nicer in my delivery.

And I just wish the pressure of grad school would ease up soon but we both have a little less than 2 years left. If we stick it out (and I sure hope we do!) we would have been together for almost 3 years by the time we graduate. Hopefully be then we can figure the sex thing out.

And just for the record, despite me not being satisfied right now, I'm VERY attracted to him both mentally and physically, I have a high sex drive, the spark is still alive and well even after a year and despite having to confront some issues, and I don't have the desire to be with someone else even if they're "better" at sex. I mean, I fantasize occasionally, but to actually do it? Ew, no.