I can feel myself slipping down into the abyss and I'm feeling powerless to stop it. I am completely unproductive at work -- missing deadlines is not generally a good thing for a reporter! -- and all I want to do is stare out the window. It's all I feel *capable* of doing. I have no concentration, I don't feel like doing anything at all except staying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head.

Yesterday I sat down and figured out my budget to the penny through the end of the year. If I don't eat between now and Dec. 30, I'll be in good shape. ;-) It is bad enough that I'm in such a financial mess that I'm filing bankruptcy, but who knew it took $1100 to declare you have no money? I'm keeping my car, but I have to show proof of insurance, which I haven't had since early August, as I couldn't afford the premiums. Since I've had more than a 30-day break in coverage, it's going to cost me a fortune to get insurance now. No telling where THAT cash is coming from.

I didn't think this would bother me this much -- at first it seemed like a relief to have the decision made and the process started rolling. But it's consuming my entire life, and I didn't bargain for that.

I have a performance review coming up, and am contemplating telling my boss about all this. But we're only budgeted for a whopping 2.5% raise -- last year that translated into an extra 32 cents an hour. That's not going to help at all. I don't think she realizes the sacrifices I make to work here. Her husband has a really good job, and she probably makes twice what I do, so it's not an issue for her. She came in one day talking about bidding $2300 for something on Ebay -- at a time when I had $4 in my account to last 9 days. I don't know how or even if I should say something.

It'll all be better by the end of the year, but that's still a long way off, or at least it seems like it from where I'm sitting. In the meantime, I'm sinking fast.

sigh

Candy