tears. this is the week i can't never get by without the parts that want me to die trying to hurt me/ make it happen.
Please think of some other way i can see what happened.
thank you for anything- any support i know i don't deserve.

my f. who there was p.a. and s.a. went out on his boat this week - it was years ago- the boat he had taken me on when i was a kid. He didn't come back. he drowned but he told me first. we're devastaed because we didn't do anything to stp. we forgot. We just forgot. everything is so much a mess. i remember the phone messages. i was relieved at the funeral and i HATE myself so muc. So many of his friiends told him not to go- in new england- small craft warnings.

This weekend i was going to go camping and there was a plan not to come back. we never went through with it but tried a few years ago a few times. A part always calls 911 and i drink charcoal after an oD - i can never do it. i don't deserve to live like this , Parts of me love him but parts we're releived because of the a. He didn't seserve to die. i can't live with my self.

no one understands because i can't tell anyone. There are so many mixed up feelings - i can never tell my therapist because i can't live with myself. No one can comfort me. parts loved my F. though it was really really wrong. Tears. i'm so so sorry. i can't get through it. We're split into a thousand pieces and none of them are any good.
my dad was 43, a firefighter, a good person outside the home but inside was different.
i wish i did something. He called me repeatedly .i just forgot.
tears,
kerria