thread moved - i hope i didn't do anything wrong...i'm sorry if i did

i don't feel well...

i know my body is fighting the urinary tract infection - maybe that's why...i've slept most of the day...i'm kinda sick to my stomach...

but i'm also really nervous about tomorrow's appt w/ the new T...and what will happen if i don't feel comfortable w/ him...if i come home tomorrow and don't feel i've accomplished anything...on the other hand i don't want to like...that way i don't have to share anything and i can keep my putrid secrets safe...

found a new way to hurt myself inside...it works well...i wish i could shove it right through - completely through...

i just want to go home...to where i was a little girl...on a warm morning...swinging on my swingset...all by myself....humming a song...listening to the birds....feeling the warmth...that's my heaven...that's where i want to be....

i want to be me again...

...not this putrid foul adult i've become...

i look at a picture of my parents...i'm so ashamed i've been such a failure as a daughter...a failure as a big sister...they didn't deserve to be stuck with me...but i do try to hide myself from them and do try to give them the daughter and sister they deserve...basically though i fail at that too

why can't i just go to my heaven...