I had a very "messed up" gay relationship during my time in high school. She manipulated my delusions to get me to fight less when she would physically and sexually abuse me (long story). I guess that's an opinion thing. Anyway...

I constantly have nightmares with her in them. She always hurts me somehow; mentally, physically, sexually... These dreams throw me off for the entire day. I feel guilty talking to my fiance about it, as it kind of gives the impression that I'm not over this girl. I am. I have no desire to interact with her or have any kind of relationship with her. But she's haunting me, and what she did is haunting me. I just want to be free of the events, but it won't let go of me. She has a very common name, and I freeze every time I hear it. I nearly panic. I can't listen to a certain band anymore because of the flashbacks it brings. I can't eat certain foods, smell certain scents... I have certain mannerisms that throw me into a small spiral when I subconsciously use them, because they instantly remind me of her, and what she did to me.

I don't know what to do. I just want to be free, and therapy is not an option at this point in my life.