I give up on myself. I give up on my life. I'm so tired emotionally. I feel like I have nothing left to give. My life has been on a downward spiral for the last four years, and as much as I've tried to stay positive about it, nothing's changed.

I'm tired of pretending. With my parents, I pretend to be positive. I have to pretend, because it worries the crap out of both of them when I drop the act, and just be me. I pretend with my one true friend, because if I were to reveal how truly sad and hurt I am inside, I will bring down said friend's mood, too.
I pretend with myself. I pretend with myself day in and day out. "I'm ok,' I say. "I'm happy with the way my life is". Smile. Fake it until you make it. I'm happy. The truth is I'm not. I'm sooooo freaking unhappy, so broken, tired and sick of feeling this way!!!

The worst part is that I know I've been trampled by life. I know that I'm laying face down in the dust, but I've lost the will to fight. I've lost the drive, the desire to stand up again, and make it through another day. The urge to curl up into a ball, cry and wait for the end is stronger than my desire to keep fighting, keep living.

I'm hurting inside. I'm lost. I don't have in me to pretend otherwise. Not anymore. I no longer believe I'm worth fighting for. I'm not worth saving.

Distraction no longer works for me. I've been binging on books, tv series, fantasizing. I've even tried throwing all my energy into focusing on someone else's hurt. All of it is wearing thin. My thoughts, my feelings, my hurt still comes through. I can't fight them back anymore. There is only peace when I've taken more pain killers than I should have to knock myself out.

I want the pain to consume me. I want them to finish the little strength I have left. I want it all to end. I don't care what happens anymore. I'm passed caring.

How do I start finding a reason to want to live again? How do I get myself to keep fighting? How do I get myself to care about me again?

I don't know anymore. I just don't know...