I thought I was doing better today and maybe I am but I've been thinking about you a lot. I squeeze my eyes as tight as I can to keep it in but as soon as I open them they start to flow. I'm trying to get behind this and just let it out now. I've started feeling ashamed when I cry. I don't like it. It's not like my dog just died...

So what is this all about? The end. I can feel that you are preparing me for the inevitable. I know you want to retire though you've said before you could do it until you die. I imagine after eleven years with me you are probably ready to see the end. It's not like I don't. I mean I'd like to keep seeing you but I'd like to see the end of the craziness. I'd like to never feel suicidal again. I'd like to never want to cut again. I'd like to be free of this ****** personality. Do you remember telling me, "I'm not leaving until we're done?" Well I'm starting to wonder if you were serious. I think you forgot about that.

Why else would you mention leaving or dying 3 times in the last appointment & 2 times in the one before that? Why? Are you trying to teach me impermanence? Can't I just deal with one issue at a time? Why do you have to force it on me? Here's that heavy weight on my heart again. Please don't leave me. I'm trying to be strong but my life has no meaning. I don't understand why I stay alive except for the people in my life. I don't want to hurt anyone.

What am I supposed to be doing right now? What do I do when these thoughts take hold? I was coloring when this all dawned on me. You really are preparing to leave soon. You know I might even be able to deal with that if we could keep in touch but you've made it clear to me that when it's over, it's over. You will not ever be my friend and you're right, I can't force it. It's just as well. I won't even say it.

Whatever. Now I'm numb.