Something happened on Thursday night which got me all %#@&#! up. I'd rather not go into it, but let's just say it was about fifty percent my own fault, impulsivity, and inability to fully control myself.

Since then, I went off of my meds. All at once.

Because of my spending over the last couple of months I ended up with an overdrawn bank account yesterday.

The disconnect that I've been experiencing is too much to bear. It hurts way too much. My thoughts have been overwhelmed with suicidal ideation. I put six Klonopin in my mouth, but then spit them out. It was a control thing.

When I'm at my internship working with the patients, I'm fine. Otherwise, not. School ended for the semester. So when I'm home, I lay in bed. I've been too depressed to even type on PC.

I saw T yesterday.

I told him all about the ideation. About the Klonopin. About these uncontrollable thoughts of crashing my car into a guardrail or something.

He said, "If you did that, what would happen to us, here?"

I talked about my disconnection. How when I experience the most severe disconnect and emptiness, I immediately think about just wanting to die. How extreme.

He said, "What would happen to my connection to you, if you did that?"

He was trying to get me to see that he reciprocates the connection. But I couldn't see it anymore, I was in such a bad state of disengagement. I told him, "You don't have a connection to me. I leave you no room for that."

And all of a sudden, something came over me. Terrible images of suicide... I had my eyes closed, I began to describe all the images... When I opened my eyes, nothing seemed real. I couldn't feel my body, the room seemed fake, he seemed fake. It felt like that part of a panic attack when there is a complete loss of a sense of reality. Complete depersonalization. I was so terrifed. But there were no other panic attack symptoms. Just nothing real. Nothing to hold on to.

Told him I wanted to jump out of my skin. Tear myself apart. Some type of release. Just to feel real again.

He said to me, "Where am I right now?" I told him, "You are so far away."

He asked me to tell him one small thing that I could forgive myself for. I told him I wished I could forgive myself for not putting away the laundry. That I was just too sad to get out of bed to do it. How my husband gets mad, he doesn't understand that sometimes I just can't. Then I began to cry.

He told me to look right at him. To look at his eyes. That he was real, and to just continue to focus right on him.

He stayed with me like that, in the here and now until I came back.

I see him again on Friday.