Hi agrl58...welcome to PC!

About us: I'm a multiple, and I have known forever, we're 47, but just came to grips with it out of denial, too. We are co-conscious (aware of each other-always have been (well we were but refused to acknowledge it)) enough that we work in co-operation, that is we can talk, collaborate, and vote on life decisions to function as a singleton and switch seamlessly to keep the system hidden. We rarely lose time, but we do have missing memories. My days are bits and pieces and days are a jumble, we barely have no past it seems. It's hard knowing what day it is. Memories usually stay with the alter that experiences them, but we do some sharing also to function (it's funny when an other can't remember the body's birthdate in public and no one says....lol).

Basically for us, the body is an empty shell and the alters are the filling that makes us a whole person (in my system). I don't know who "I" is....it's a loose term, when I think I know, "I" always changes. Sometimes I think it's different "me's", but soon enough it's "them". It seems like I'm a conscience along for a ride keeping things in sync, a central being in thought only, heavily influenced by the others. I'm so disconnected from the physical that the body does what the body does . It gets confusing. I can tell who is up by feel and the head voice which becomes my head voice when we switch, if that makes sense. What's really confusing is when a few other thoughts overlap one another...like now, I'm thinking while another is in bodily control.

We experienced years of mental, physical, and emotional abuse from tyrannical parents....daily/weekly beat into submissions (because we love you to teach you right from wrong), terrorized, ridiculed, etc. I/we (I/we- so interchangeable) escaped when I turned 18, but for sure had complex PTSD well into my late 20's. Being oppressed for so long, others emerged to handle daily life. I was so withdrawn that I (?) didn't have any life, social and coping skills. I exist through others. They present and take over (manners, gestures, walk, sit, thinking, likes, dislikes...changes) and I become them and their thoughts become my thoughts. You see, I always see, but I'm never me because I'm now them. (Head is spinning).

Every alter has a job to do...and I have a lot of alters.....like one for every life situation. We switch all day long, like I and others do the home and online stuff, all the skilled workers go to work, and some are people relation officers, some handle emotions, we have several that are sexual and of both genders, techies, drivers, cooks, some just are, partiers, no goods, etc. Right now, I'm the Reporter as I report what we have learned. My head voice is strong and clinical sounding, like an instruction manual.

I've been reading the technical stuff (theories...structural dissociation and neurobiology) on this condition, and let's see if I can get it close (someone will correct me if I get it wrong)...basically...a baby's brain isn't fully developed till about the age of 5 or so, (some say 7-8...depends on which country you live in...). Memory is stored in the different parts of the brain, like seeing, emotion, feeling, smelling, hearing areas.... Unprocessed early childhood trauma (like the mother/baby bond doesn't happen or is corrupted) prevents the baby's brain from becoming of one mind, naturally integrating (bringing all the parts together for the laying down of a complete memory [there are physical changes too with the hippocampus- books of studies written]).... and so the parts stay dissociated. Some of these parts/states then can develop into full personalities (ANP- apparently normal part) while others are just containers holding bits of memory an emotions (EP-emotional parts- these are generally impulses and feelings)). Some people experience amnesia where the parts are oblivious to the existence of other parts.

Due to the initial trauma, the brain stays dissociated, so that every subsequent trauma experienced is back logged, stuck,....much like a traffic jam. These other unprocessed traumas then develop into more parts. A person with lots of alters is considered to be poly-fragmented (me)...parts of parts to bits and pieces....hundreds to thousands.

There are many types of alters, some are gendered, littles, mids, protectors, persecutors, host, gatekeepers, apparently normal parts, emotional parts, animal parts, managers, nurturers, etc.

Integration is the process of bringing these memory parts (alters) together to form a linear complete memory (it's more complex then this sounds)...the alters then are no longer needed and are considered integrated when what they know become one with the main ego.

That's the basic layman's scientific mumbo jumbo theory that I've put together from reading according to my hole-y memory.

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My other parts are here to handle situations that "I" can't handle (I can't handle life)...something happens that causes me to dissociate, an other emerges to deal with the conflict, and after that, that other will emerge when that particular event/situation/enviroment happens....it now has a job.

We are always switching, some are triggered (a situation or event happens that requires an other part to handle that couldn't be handled by the other present) and some are scheduled- like it's time for so and so to emerge (like home time, work time, shopping time, explanation time, online time, kid time, couch time, school time, crying time, playing time, music time, party time...you name it, we have an alter for that ). We can also request an other to present. We are all equal, no one of us is boss of another...that's just plain rude.

My dissociation is quick that switching is seamless, sometimes a jolt, and sometimes an obvious body takeover. Very rarely do we trance out, but it does happen. I don't experience "blackouts", I'm aware...but some of the memories linger to fade away or are just taken away when switched. Memory is dreamlike and just flashbacks.

I can't see us integrating. Our host (the one out the most) alter is based on where we are in life. It's like we have no main, but plenty of hosts through the years. Depending on where you are located, "host" has different meanings.....for some it's the body itself.

I used to think that all the voices in my head was like my thoughts, and I never noticed that we all had different voices. Everyone thinks we're super smart, but we got many smarts here, lol. I had a journal that I'd write in and an other would respond, like automatic handwriting. I then noticed that the words would pop into my head as I was writing them, so I just started talking to them. It's not like crowd noisy in my head because to talk, they have to step up.

Your T should help you with this, to become aware of your others.

I hope this helps hun, for it took a few of us to write it. I'm sorry that it's all over the place. We've got a "must know it all who gets long winded" with a bunch of interjections! Lol

Like you said dear, everyone's system is different. I hope to hear more of yours.