Hey. No, I haven't really looked into EMDR. I'm not sure that it is something that I'd like to do... I'm not sure that my t does it either...

> What a strange thing to offer clients to make them feel better--a relationship. It's so amorphous.

Yes. It is a hard one. I think that different therapists feel quite differently about that. I didn't think that my therapist minded, but I think that he might be starting to feel a little uncomfortable about that now? I'm not sure.

I think that what I want to say to him is... I don't see how we need to have goals in order to make the best use of our time (his words). Life is a journey... His walking with me for a while... That is kind of what I need. A person who has similar (though not exactly identical) values to me. A person who can comiserate with my disapointments and take pride and pleasure in my achievements. A person who can care. Help me feel less alone. Help me feel worthy of love. Help me feel deserving of love. I guess I think that it will generalise to a certain extent. But yeah, might be a long haul kind of thing for me and it might well be true that he can only walk with me for part of the journey.

I'm not sure my need can be targeted directly. I think that for me... It is about experiencing differently. Experiencing caring rather than my rationally trying to convince or persuade myself that I'm deserving. I have this huge discrepancy with what I *know* to be true and what I *feel* to be true. I think that t is trying to get me to feel and to experience and working on changing my feelings and experiencings so they come into line a bit more with my reasonings and knowings. Trying to get in touch with them a little. To express my experiencings and feelings in language and not undermine them with reason or justify them with reason and reinterpret them with reason. To get in touch with them. I guess that I need to really get in touch with them before I can gradually employ reason to help alter them. Maybe... Some of the experiencings / feelings need to be altered by his complementary experiencing / feeling rather than his reasoning too. Trying to get some of that right brain communication going on...

I don't think we are going to be doing traum work in the sense of my relating my past experiences over and over in great amounts of detail. I guess he thought that... Alters would communicate that to him and that I would not remember (hence put it away during the week). But... I'm not gonna do that. They need to gently come up in my consciousness or not at all. They are there (the memories). I email him snippits. We don't talk about it a great deal in session, however. Sometimes I feel like I'll die of shame. Just want to fall through the floorboards. Gently gently gently does it. Transference stuff is coming up. I try and talk about / express some of the hard feelings. It is hard for me, though. Maybe it is that progress is so very much slower than he thought it would be. He was surprised that I seemed to trust him so much so soon. What happens with me though is that as I get more attached... That is when the fear kicks in. The fear is kicking in now. Big time. Fear of him leaving. Fresh in my mind because of the two week break. Bringing back the month break before that. The month break before that. A year block before that. A six month block before that. All the way back to waiting seven years for my dad to come back for me and he didn't. He didn't. People go and my world falls apart. So scared of needing. So scared. So scared of caring and being attached.