So the news is that my T has multiple sclerosis (which my biological mom has and which I myself am predisposed to, but do not currently have). She said that she is physically doing okay now but her diagnosis has made her reevaluate what is important in life and she has decided that she would prefer to write a book, do speaking engagements, and spend more time with her kids than to work full-time as a therapist. She has decided that she will continue to run her business, but she will not practice out of it. She is going to go on disability. However, she said that would still like to see a few of her clients (including me), but that she can no longer bill through insurance because of her disability claim. That would mean I would have to pay out of pocket. I am an academic; I make okay money but not enough to pay a huge therapy bill out of pocket, especially when my therapy co-pay to see her has always been $10. We have arranged a phone call for tomorrow evening to discuss the possibility of continuing to work together, but I'm extremely worried about the financial aspect of it. The truth is that I cannot afford her fee unless I get help from my dad. But something about that seems wrong to me. My dad had Parkinson's and is very much disabled, but he is still working. I would feel horrible taking money from my dad to pay for my therapy in an arrangement that feels a little... uncomfortable... given the insurance/disability claim issue. Do others think this situation sound a little...???

The fact that my 5-year-long relationship with my therapist rests on whether or not I can scrounge up enough money to pay out of pocket (due to her disability claim) makes me feel pretty lousy. It makes me feel like she was not genuine all of the times she said that I am not just a job/paycheck and, if my insurance ever changed, we would "work it out" because she cares more about me as a client than about the money. She has literally told me before "I don't care about the money." I also know for a fact that my T is not struggling financially; she makes well over 6 figures and had several streams of income other than her therapy practice. The money is a much bigger issue for me than it is for her. Of course, I feel for her regarding her diagnosis!!! I'm just hurt that it seems her diagnosis has so drastically changed our relationship-- or what I thought our relationship was. I would never expect her to work for free, of course, but I'm afraid that she won't compromise with me enough so that I can continue to see her. If she isn't willing to accept a reasonable fee (since that fee would be pocket money; no insurance or taxes involved), it will hurt so badly. In her email to me, she told me that if I can't pay out of pocket I can contact her new, merged practice at X number and find a new therapist. Really?? That makes it seem like she doesn't actually care about me or our relationship. Whether I pay $50 or $100/hr is not going to make a dent in her life but, for me, it's the difference of whether or not I lose one of the most important people in my life. Which, clearly, makes me realize that I need to re-evaluate how important my relationship with her is. I certainly feel misled though. I am questioning whether or not she meant it every time she said "I love you" and "I feel the maternal bond too" and "I don't care about the money" and "you're the reason I do what I do" (i.e. the therapeutic relationship we have makes my profession worthwhile), and "I will be in your life forever."

Honestly, I don't know what to do. Or how to feel. Last week, all I wanted was for her to come back! And I still do! But these terms make it a whole different can of worms...