Went to my T this morning, talked the whole time about my last week, how I'm really depressed and my thoughts of suicide. Since I've gotten help in the past and talked to someone before doing anything, and since I was somewhat open to options and not set on suicide, she was ok with me thinking I'd talk to someone if I were again. Thing is, I don't know for sure. I don't have a definate promise binding me, if I were really down there I may just do it without telling anyone. Though I am afraid of failing and the effect actually attempting would have on my schoolwork.

I can't decide what I want, or what I should do right now. I'm doing somewhat ok at the moment, but I can't hope for that to last. Still pretty crummy, just not dark and suicidal. Then I fear when I actually see my doc Friday, in that much time I could be really bad off, and I probably wouldn't be allowed to leave at that point.

I'm pretty sure what I really need is a medicine change, maybe things could even get better, maybe a right one could be found. But I don't feel safe until then, I don't trust myself, and I know I'm going to feel like trash again soon enough, everything will be dark and hopeless, and then it's dangerous.

So I don't know what to do. Hold out and see what happens? Go to the hospital even though I'm somewhat ok at the moment for safety's sake? Is there another option? I just don't know, but I feel I need to decide soon.