I didn't know where else to put this. I've been steadily declining in every aspect of my life since about 15 or so. There'v been a lot of semi bad things that happened in my life, but nothing serious, or nothing that I can remember. Mostly growing up poor an moving around a lot, and having two older brothers with diabetes who frequently got low sugars and had to be rushed to the hospital after going comatose.
My family members all have some sort of mental issue, some worse than others. So here is mine.

I have been pulling away from people since high school, and now that I'm 22, I dread going anywhere but my part time job at a warehouse. I am pretty okay with talking to someone 1 on 1, but I panic when I think of initiating a conversation. I used to have panic attacks in school when I had to give a presentation, and now, I still begin to panic after being in the store for too long, or when I become too aware of myself in a public place.

I smoked pot from the age of 17 to just a year ago. My whole family smoked it, and my parents introduced me to it because the wanted me to try it in a safe environment. My parents have legitimate reasons for smoking it(pain and such)

They used to be drug addicts, but quit. My mom quit once I was born healthy, despite her being at the peak of her addiction.

I've done a couple of bad things in high school. One was framing a class mate for drug possession. He made fun of me, so I decided to do it. I was smart, and he wasn't, so I got away with it pretty easily.



I also cut off a skin tag on my ear because the urge popped into my head one day, and it was the source of some ridicule in school.

I have moved out with my younger brother, thinking it would help me to get away from my crowded family.

Since moving out, I have done various stupid things, such as having gay sex multiple times despite not being satisfied by it or being attracted to men, having sex with prostitutes, despite not being able to orgasm due to boredom and unhappiness during the experiences.

One of the prostitute experience led to me being mugged and punched in the face. When I think of this, I feel very angry, and want to retaliate. I found out the prostitute's name, as well as the names of the two guys she had mug me, and can meet her again whenever I want, since she doesn't know it's me. But I try to refrain from doing something because I don't want to deal with the consequences.

I've been neglecting my personal hygiene for a while. I only take a shower after work and brush my teeth once a day, and don't do anything to take care of my image on the weekends.

I've taken up smoking, and smoke a half a pack a day because it makes me feel calm and because I like having a habit. I don't want to start smoking pot again, or start drinking again.

I've driven drunk a lot, and I've driven angry a lot.

I feel empty and worthless, and I want to change, but I can't bring myself to talk to anyone, because I am a man, and because I need to deal with this on my own.

I believe in karma, and know that it is out to get me because of the things I did in the past. I've been in 4 accidents, mugged, and I think of suicide a lot.
All of these things are partly my fault, but karma is responsible for balancing it all out.

I'm also obsessed with the possibility of developing schizophrenia. I haven't hallucinated with a clear head, only at night when I'm laying down, and during sleep paralysis.

And I think I'm just rambling now.

The point is, I'm not sure what is happening. A day ago, I lost my appetite completely, despite having ulcers in my stomach that hurt when I'm hungry. Nothing seems appetizing anymore, and I used to have an issue with eating more than I wanted, and being angry at myself for it.

I'm not always sad or angry or empty, but my moods change very quickly sometimes.

I've also tried online dating before, but those experiences ended terribly.

I bought one girl a tv on an impulse, and then started talking to her about my worries that she didn't like me, then she began to ignore me. The other two girls, I started ignoring because I didn't want the same thing to happen.

I also have a terrible memory, which could be because of all the pot. I used to be a straight a student in school and never had to studied. I forwent college because I couldn't handle school again, and have no interest in my future.

I'm definitely rambling now.

Anyway, if anyone could help me understand what I'm going through, because I don't know.