This is the thing. I have good reasons for seeing her and she is very generous. The problem is that she is trained in CBT and Acceptance Therapy. It reminds me of my mom, the bad part. A lot of it comes down to, "Just do it." or "Just accept it." (I'm oversimplifying of course.) I'm hurting pretty bad, and I'm also stubborn. Even if she's right, I'm not ready to hear it.

I think she likes me ok. She doesn't like me complaining or being frustrated. She thinks I'm angry (maybe I am, but it's not that simple). She seems to be good with understanding and responding to sadness and hurt, especially when I write it down. It's very hard for me to express (or feel) like that without it turning to frustration. I have a hard time engaging her when she responds positively. She begins to express sympathy, but I look away.

I think she's beginning to understand how depressed I am, and how distressed. Our session yesterday went well.

In some ways I think she tends to see things as straightforward and simple, whereas I see them as obscure and complicated. That's not a value judgement, just a generalization. I want someone to take care of me and draw me out, make me feel safe, and validated. (And loved, frankly - although that's not her job.) Maybe she can help me better by getting me to do the work of learning to express myself. I just wish we could do that without me feeling like I'm resisting so much. Maybe I come across too strong.

The other thing is that her treatment is based on the idea that thoughts cause emotions. To some extent that may be true, but I often feel like it's the emotions that direct the thoughts.