Hello,

I'm in a great need for an advice on whether I should look for a new therapist or stick to the current one. I have had some mood problems (insomnia, sadness, anger, thoughts of suicide and self-harm, and now a hypersomnia) for about 1,5 years and wanted to consult a specialist, but due to countless doubts I avoided doing it. (The main being a thought that I will be a burden, diverting attention from the people who really need help). Also I knew nothing about psychotherapy. In my country (Ukraine) we don't really talk about such things.

At the beginning of the summer I began chocking and after several different doctors I was referred to a psychotherapist. I came to his office and had an appointment that lasted about 5 minutes. I told him about the chocking, he asked me maybe two questions (one of them about my sleep and another about the chocking feeling). Then he prescribed me Paroxetine (I think it is called Paxil in the USA) and let me go. I wasn't able to tell him about my mood problems that day. I blamed myself for this event and ended up cutting myself. Nevertheless I took the prescribed pills and waited. I can't objectively judge if they were effective, or there were other factors at play, but I didn't experience such severe lows as before. But chocking and bad mood continued, periodically. At last I got fed up with this and came to therapist's office and told him that the medication stopped working. (I really had no way of determining that, I just were afraid that he'll throw me out if I had no solid reasoning for coming back). This meeting also lasted rather briefly. He said it's an anxiety disorder, doubled the antidepressant's dose and prescribed some antypsychiotics. I asked him about non-medication methods, hoping he would offer some talk therapy or CBT. He said that there are at least 6 methods and he'll tell me about them, when he comes back from his vacation in 2 months. It happened so that I was put into an infection ward soon and haven't tried the new drugs. During my stay at the hospital and the following months I had almost no symptoms for the first time since the beginning of 2014 and thaught that I'll be fine. But recently I had a breakdown and everything came back. The psychotherapist I visited works at the city's suicide center together with several psychologists, so I tried visiting them instead while my doctor was on vacation. The psychologist was really nice to me and I was able to tell her everything I wasn't able to tell before. I felt great after the session. But then she said that I must tell the therapist about me not taking drugs and then, after the aforementioned drugs would relieve my symptoms, only then we would be able to work on things like my self-esteem. Unfortunately, I hadn't the guts to ask what to do if the drugs would be ineffective. She also promised to tell the doctor the things I couldn't tell him myself.

Yesterday my psychotherapist came back from his vacation and I paid him a visit. As it turned out the psychologist was ill and didn't tell him about me. I wasn't able to connect again and we only discussed the meds. I told him that I had started taking the prescribed antypsychiotics and they were making me terribly sleepy. He lowered the dosage and told to come the next week. During the whole session he hadn't asked a single question. Afterwards I felt horribly, I wanted to mutilate myself, to have never been born. Thankfully, my mother was fantastic and managed to relieve my distress.

So now I have a dilemma: to search for the new therapist or to stick to the current one. I plan to visit him at least one more time the next week when the psychologist will come back from her sick leave. I understand that there is a great difference in the healthcare systems and approaches to the psychotherapy in Ukraine and the USA, but people are not so different everywhere, so your advice would be of a great value to me.